Looking at onesself for answers
Most of us start thinking Ok I’m fat if I start eating right and exercising then I’ll lose the weight. Some of us do lose it but then we gain it back. We feel like failures. We gain more weight then begin the process again.
I have a problem, it’s called not being worthy! Yes it’s true. I have always known this fact and everyone in my life have always known this. I tend to allow people and even just allow myself to put burdens or blame on me even if it’s not my burden to bare.
This started at a young age. When my mom was being abused by my father I always felt it was my fault. That mindset has followed me throughout my life. People see me as strong bossy and opinionated. They think I can do anything. I too think I can do anything but at the same time I’m a self loather. I tend to be self destructive.
If people say they love me I never believe it. I always have felt I’m unworthy of love. I’ve always felt that everything wrong in anyone’s life around me was caused by myself even something small. If my mom is unhappy I feel that it’s because I’m not there for her. If my sisters are having problems I feel it’s my fault because I’m not there helping them. If my DH is unhappy at work I feel like he’s feeling trapped because he’s married with kids. He’s being held back. If my child is slipping in school I blame myself because I’m the parent and I should have taught my child more. If my boss is having troubles I feel as if it’s my fault because I didn’t have the answers to help them.
I have always carried the world on my shoulders. I never ask for anything. I’ve never felt worthy of it. I don’t like gifts because I never feel like I’m deserving of it. If my DH is quiet I always think he’s considering leaving me. I know it’s not true but there is this voice in my head telling me you’ve screwed up this time.
It’s the same with my weight. When people start noticing i’ve lost weight and complimenting me. I don’t feel worthy of it and the weight comes back.
I’ve never been Proud of myself. I’ve never felt like I’ve done anything worth anything. I love photography. People once asked me if I sold my work and I said no it’s not good enough. Then all of a sudden people were coming to me to buy my work. I’d sell it to them but then I noticed I stopped taking photos. There was always this voice in my head asking me what are you going to do when someone wants you to showcase your work? You know you will choke….. So the next thing you know i’ve stopped.
It’s an ugly cycle and I know it’s one that I must start working on. So This is a new goal for me. I’m going to start taking my work seriously and start working at being proud of the things I’ve done in everyday situations. Some of them that I post may sound trivial but for me I need to accept these things.
Have a great weekend everyone!
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hey thanks for the comment. I do go to the gym every day, and I love it!!! Good luck on your endeavors as well!!!!!
April….I know exactly where you are coming from and I am here for you! After reading this blog post, I see more and more that we are alike in so many ways. Do not ever think that your posts will seem trivial. We are all having issues, and that is what this sight is about. Helping and understanding and being here for each other. You are such an inspiration to me and your words of support have helped me more than you realize. You ARE WORTHY!!!! YOU ARE SPECIAL!!!! Huggggsssss
Congratulations! You’re journey is starting just from you blogging this and admitting these things. This is now your new beginning. It’s hard to recognize and ADMIT that much of what we allow to happen in our lives … we bring on ourselves. You have taken the first step to mend this. That’s the first and most important step. Must mend the inside of us before we can even begin to work on the outside.
High Fivers to you for that! Want to share something with you. You may have read it before, but I think it’s good enough to share over and over again. It’s worth reading every single day… It had a profound effect on me when I first read it, and much like you, VERY much like you and how you have felt about yourself, it was my beginning and my turnaround. I hope it helps you today.
http://www.controverscial.com/Awakening.htm
Big Huggggggggggs,
Shan
I agree…I think most of us have issues just like this. I noticed I have done the same thing with weight loss. I stop as soon as I have lost about 10 lbs and people start complimenting me.
We all need support to continue in our plans..whether that be weight loss or something else we want/need to do. You hang in there girl! I know you can do it….in all areas of your life.
OMG April, you really have carried the world on your shoulders….have you ever read “The Awakening” by Sonny Carroll? If you haven’t I suggest you do and do some introspection. You are a wonderful person with so much love in your heart, you deserve so much…all good! Here’s a link to Sonny’s Essay http://www.inspirationpeak.com/library/awakening.html
I wish you the best April!
April: You know I am always here for you when you need anything. I am so sorry you feel the way you do. We all have issues. I know what you are going through. I have issues and everyone has issues. We are all the same but yet so different also. I have a weight problem. Some look at me and dont see it but I think differetly. I know I am big but I just dont care what people think about me. I need to loose about 50 or more pounds big deal. It will come off. I am not going to kill myself getting it off. I feel like when it is ready to come off it will. I just have to get motivated and stay that way. I cant do this one day and the next day not do it. It is not healthy for me to do that. I have to wake up and smell the roses…… I need to do this to become more healthy. I love you no matter what. Have a good night and I will talk to you tomorrow. Love you Angie
I was the same way once… and still am to an extent. It’s really hard to change that mindset, but you CAN do it! It took real guts & courage to share what you did - and that’s something positive about YOU. Learning the positives about yourself can only strengthen your feelings of worthiness. Soon, you’ll wonder how you ever could’ve thought you were unworthy! I have faith in YOU because YOU are worth it!!